Hello my annoying little companion, you have been with me for a very long time and I don't know if I ever wish for you to go away. You're a constant presence in my life and though times may be jolly good, you are a little piece of s*. You nag me when I have to make decisions, whether they are the little things or the important life changing ones. I admit I can not remember our very first beginning, it could have been when I was fifteen at the beginning of high school or if it was even earlier. All I know is that you are keeping me awake, right in this very moment I am keeping secrets from my family. I can feel the guilt that is working with you, penetrating me to my very core. I am making two very big decisions for this weekend. Two decisions that will mark my body for the rest if my life, here I am committing, because I certainly can't back out now. But as you keep me up, I'm aware of your presence. I know what I must do in the morning. I trust I'll will be able to go to sleep after talking to you. But I just wanted you to know I aware of every little thing that you do. I see what you make me do, I listen to every word you force out of my mouth, I feel what can not be felt. Both physical and emotional, the damage that has pushed family away, the damage that has left me scarred, the damage of everything in my life; both the good and the bad. Even though the bad far outweighs the good. I've been drugged since I was fifteen, I've tried to suppress your presence, I've tried to ignore you, yet you keep coming back. You're attached to me and I admit I am scared. Will you be here forever? Will I ever have a moment of peace? Will I have to take more drugs to be rid of you? These questions scare me too. Can you please be good to me, I worry of the outcome when I speak the truth. When the guilt eats me alive, when I blurt the truth, when I feel like I am being judged. By my own blood, I am judged for the impulsive behavior, but don't all families do this? I can't be the only one, I know I'm not the only one. But for this moment I am. Again I seemed to have gotten off track, I am speaking to you because I can't sleep and well once I end this letter I'll be able too. I just wanted to say hello. I cant ever tell you to leave, I doubt you even can. And I won't be able to push you away until I am ready to leave all this baggage behind me. Maybe I'll have to find love or passion to help move you out. I am currently working with motivation and obligation on getting better. With you still being here, I know I cant give up yet. So on this note, good night you little pest. See you in the morning.
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