Hello old friend, I have missed your company, your warm embrace, your hold on me that kept me trapped in the past. Never thinking forward, never stepping into the light, never able to leave. While your embrace was strong it kept me weak, your will to hold me in the dark, lost and forgotten. But now I am free, I’ve had a taste of freedom for the past five years, and I will never go back. Or at least I will try not to fall back into your clutches. Though I am free my life has not been fulfilling, I have a stressful job, a boring car, a will to change but no motivation to do so. It may feel like I’ve escaped one evil only to land myself in another. Can I say to myself that this, what I have now, Is better? At Least I’m not hysterical, I have some wit and my awareness of my situation. I know that I’m obese, I know that I’m not smart, I know that if I don’t change, my life will literally be digging its own grave. The question I ask to whomever is listening; will you please help me? In the past I would have never resorted to asking for help, but with the way things are going I need to reach out of my comfort zone. Will someone please help me get better, will I need to find this help through religion, through faith or fate. Through actively asking the people in my life to help or am I better off asking complete strangers on the internet. Do I ask my friends who have other things going on or do I seek my coworkers that have come and gone. To those who will still talk to me or to those who will ignore my plea. Would I have helped them in return, was I a good person; am I a good person? I think I am better than my past, but truly to be good, I think I’m still far behind those who are better. Sorry I’ve gotten off track, I’m speaking to my friend, to the depression that kept me from growing, to the one who thrived when I was sad. To the memories of self harm, to the scars line up and down my arm, to the thoughts that were terrible, to the guilt that drowned me, to everything that was wrong. I hate you! I hate what you did to me! I hate that I had to take this route to get where I am today! That I had to suffer, that I had to let my family suffer the mistakes that I made. I hate that even though I learned a lot from my past, that you are still there, at the back of my mind. Even though you are hiding, groveling in the dark just like I was. You are still slightly controlling me. Free; I laugh at the fact that we’ll both never be free from each other. I bring this all up because I want to bring art into my life, something from my past that pushed me where I am today. But I can feel your vines of hate, of greed, of envy wrapping around me and pulling me back. It sucks because I will be getting this art etched onto my body for the rest of my life and this will bring both good and bad memories. I am going to have to be strong, stronger than I will ever be to not let you control me. I am writing to you, because I’m going to try to break free once more. I am more or less getting my way, whether you have me or not. I think I’ll need to stop referring to you as my friend, because no good friend will do what you have done to me. So for this I say so long, I hope I never have to meet you again.
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