Hello my annoying little companion, you have been with me for a very long time and I don't know if I ever wish for you to go away. You're a constant presence in my life and though times may be jolly good, you are a little piece of s*. You nag me when I have to make decisions, whether they are the little things or the important life changing ones. I admit I can not remember our very first beginning, it could have been when I was fifteen at the beginning of high school or if it was even earlier. All I know is that you are keeping me awake, right in this very moment I am keeping secrets from my family. I can feel the guilt that is working with you, penetrating me to my very core. I am making two very big decisions for this weekend. Two decisions that will mark my body for the rest if my life, here I am committing, because I certainly can't back out now. But as you keep me up, I'm aware of your presence. I know what I must do in the morning. I trust I'll will be able to go to sleep after talking to you. But I just wanted you to know I aware of every little thing that you do. I see what you make me do, I listen to every word you force out of my mouth, I feel what can not be felt. Both physical and emotional, the damage that has pushed family away, the damage that has left me scarred, the damage of everything in my life; both the good and the bad. Even though the bad far outweighs the good. I've been drugged since I was fifteen, I've tried to suppress your presence, I've tried to ignore you, yet you keep coming back. You're attached to me and I admit I am scared. Will you be here forever? Will I ever have a moment of peace? Will I have to take more drugs to be rid of you? These questions scare me too. Can you please be good to me, I worry of the outcome when I speak the truth. When the guilt eats me alive, when I blurt the truth, when I feel like I am being judged. By my own blood, I am judged for the impulsive behavior, but don't all families do this? I can't be the only one, I know I'm not the only one. But for this moment I am. Again I seemed to have gotten off track, I am speaking to you because I can't sleep and well once I end this letter I'll be able too. I just wanted to say hello. I cant ever tell you to leave, I doubt you even can. And I won't be able to push you away until I am ready to leave all this baggage behind me. Maybe I'll have to find love or passion to help move you out. I am currently working with motivation and obligation on getting better. With you still being here, I know I cant give up yet. So on this note, good night you little pest. See you in the morning.
Thursday, July 7, 2022
To the Depression of my past
Hello old friend, I have missed your company, your warm embrace, your hold on me that kept me trapped in the past. Never thinking forward, never stepping into the light, never able to leave. While your embrace was strong it kept me weak, your will to hold me in the dark, lost and forgotten. But now I am free, I’ve had a taste of freedom for the past five years, and I will never go back. Or at least I will try not to fall back into your clutches. Though I am free my life has not been fulfilling, I have a stressful job, a boring car, a will to change but no motivation to do so. It may feel like I’ve escaped one evil only to land myself in another. Can I say to myself that this, what I have now, Is better? At Least I’m not hysterical, I have some wit and my awareness of my situation. I know that I’m obese, I know that I’m not smart, I know that if I don’t change, my life will literally be digging its own grave. The question I ask to whomever is listening; will you please help me? In the past I would have never resorted to asking for help, but with the way things are going I need to reach out of my comfort zone. Will someone please help me get better, will I need to find this help through religion, through faith or fate. Through actively asking the people in my life to help or am I better off asking complete strangers on the internet. Do I ask my friends who have other things going on or do I seek my coworkers that have come and gone. To those who will still talk to me or to those who will ignore my plea. Would I have helped them in return, was I a good person; am I a good person? I think I am better than my past, but truly to be good, I think I’m still far behind those who are better. Sorry I’ve gotten off track, I’m speaking to my friend, to the depression that kept me from growing, to the one who thrived when I was sad. To the memories of self harm, to the scars line up and down my arm, to the thoughts that were terrible, to the guilt that drowned me, to everything that was wrong. I hate you! I hate what you did to me! I hate that I had to take this route to get where I am today! That I had to suffer, that I had to let my family suffer the mistakes that I made. I hate that even though I learned a lot from my past, that you are still there, at the back of my mind. Even though you are hiding, groveling in the dark just like I was. You are still slightly controlling me. Free; I laugh at the fact that we’ll both never be free from each other. I bring this all up because I want to bring art into my life, something from my past that pushed me where I am today. But I can feel your vines of hate, of greed, of envy wrapping around me and pulling me back. It sucks because I will be getting this art etched onto my body for the rest of my life and this will bring both good and bad memories. I am going to have to be strong, stronger than I will ever be to not let you control me. I am writing to you, because I’m going to try to break free once more. I am more or less getting my way, whether you have me or not. I think I’ll need to stop referring to you as my friend, because no good friend will do what you have done to me. So for this I say so long, I hope I never have to meet you again.