Make something happy,
Speak from your heart
But not the emotions that bring the truth
the truth in my trauma
No it’s not trauma
It’s not a crisis
It’s not an emergency
It’s not important
You know what else is not important
Me
My life
My goals
My actions
My kindness
My care
My feelings
Me
I’m not
Well I don’t believe
I don’t believe in myself
I don’t think I will be anything
I don’t think I could change
I don’t think I could be anything
Do anything
Try anything
Be who others believe in
“Be nice”
“Be kind”
“Be good”
“Be yourself”
Have you seen me.
Being myself only brings trouble
Being myself is a crossroad
Being myself is a signed contract
With the devil
Being myself
Brings a sliver of hope that’s invisible to me
Others see
Others know
Others feel
Others hear
Others think
Me
Myself
And I
We don’t know anything
We sit in circle
We try our best
we get what we deserve
we lose more than we win
We struggle, yet we do it alone.
Asking for help is not like others,
The actions we do is the voice we have
Speaking up doesn’t exist
Showing our pain is the truth
If I’m not actively hurting
It’s not real
It’s not a priority
It’s not
I have to be physically in pain for it to be considered
Real.
Staring at the same spot
Whether it’s the floor
The sky
The tiles on the the ceiling,
The scars that line my arm,
The emptiness
The vague confusion
That the storm has passed
Yet it hasn’t
We’re in the eye
The frozen expanse
That freezes all movement
Stops the motion of anxiety
Or stress
The overwhelming chill that the worse has happened on the outside
But it’s the inside that has to fight for its life
To survive
Is this the wake up call
Is this the moment where I can take a deep breath
Even though each breath will slowly suffocate me
The shards of my guilt
Like shards of glass
Cutting down my throat
The reason I can’t speak up is because I have no voice
The pain is too sharp
But that’s okay
Pain is barely there
I’ve seen others pain and their response
Its different
It’s all different
But thats human
That’s what we get for living
For being unique
For being alive
If we felt nothing are we really alive.
I’m sorry
I’m sorry I got off topic
This fleeting floating moment is a pause,
But knowing me, I will relapse
Again and again
A never ending cycle
For me that’s fine
For others it’s gonna be the end of me
Well okay
As long as I get the last word
That’s fine by me.
Being here
Being in the now
It’s fine but
Being gone
Being away from here
Might just be my dream
Come True
Dark clouds move on,
Dark thoughts drift to the back of the mind
The storm has passed
But the damage lingers
It lingers in the new scars lining my arm
It lingers in the eyes of strangers when they see and ask if I’m okay.
It lingers in the mind when I look at them and know this relapse will not be the last
This will never be the last cut,
Will never be the last scar
Will never be the last breakdown
Will never be the last moment where I call out for help through my actions.
Because using my voice doesn’t work.
I physically feel a type of pain when I ask for help.
My thoughts Yell at me that my priority is a 1 out of a 10.
That my crisis is not worth the help from others
That my pain is meaningless
That my emotions don’t matter
That my voice will not be heard
And so I the only way I know how to ask for help is through my actions
The actions of bleeding
Actively bleeding
Because if I’m not bleeding then I’m not worth it.
Because if I’m not bleeding, then I’m not an emergency
Because if I’m not bleeding then there is no proof to my mental health
Because if I’m not Bleeding it’s all in my head
Because if I’m not bleeding
My life does not matter
My existence is not real
My kindness is fake
My empathy is manipulated
My life is wearing a mask
And when that mask is ripped from my face all you see is someone who tries their best and fails
It’s funny because my middle name is HOPE, yet I have little Hope for myself
I lied
I lied to manipulate my way out
I lied to leave
I lied to have my own interest persist
I hate
I hate myself
I listen to my thoughts that I’m better off not
I know that I can’t leave
I can’t leave my family
I can’t leave my friends
I can’t leave
But I really want to leave
But for now I can’t.
All I can do is put on a mask,
Remove my emotions and
Fall back into old habits
Blade
Skin
Blood
Water
Clean
Repeat
If im not actively bleeding
Im If im not actively bleeding
Im fine
Im fine that the crinkle in my eyes hide tears
I’m fine that the smile I share holds back cries
I’m fine.
If blood is not dripping down my arm
No one takes a second look
If blood doesn’t drop on the ground then it’s not real
My emotions aren’t real
My kindness isn’t real
My thoughts are the only thing that I have
The thoughts that have me
Putting blade to skin
The thoughts that has me
Laying dead
The thoughts that
Destroy what little hope I have
The thoughts that
I’m better off not
Not here
Not home
Not safe
Not kind
Not human
Human, ha
I laugh
I laugh until they turn to tears
I laugh until I feel my breath catches
I start to choke,
But it’s fine
I’m fine
I’m fine to watch to see what others don’t
I’m fine to see people mind there business
I’m fine to see the stares but not the voice
Not the voice to ask
Are you okay?
To persist to see the soul that cracks
I’m fine
I will always be fine
I will be alone
I will be scared
I will be tired
I will not have the strength to speak up
I will be alone to the very end
I beg people to see something
To speak up and say something
To not hide behind the screens
To avoid the business of others
To see the broken and the glue but
To walk away.
So here i sit,
Alone
New scars on top of old fine
