Letter to my Existence

 

• Hello my little growing volcano, my half empty glass waiting for every little problem to count up and overfill. My mistakes guilt trip me and they get added to an ever growing volcano. Even now with this mental breakdown, the overwhelming emotion that exploded was not anger. It was sadness, it was loneliness, it was internal then it was external. I basically imploded and the dam broke. But I don’t want to blame anybody for my short comings, I should have had a safer way to releasing my emotions. I wrote my previously deleted post because I want to tell my friends and family that I love them. I wasn’t trying to be suicidal, I was intending to self harm. I’m sorry if I worried everyone. I am in isolation watch at a hospital and with this time to gather my thoughts now that the excitement is down. I want to say sorry again. I broke and I was weak, I scared people close to me and even those not so close. Such as coworkers, employers, and tenants. I admit I’m scared to face my actions, I left my job ignoring my boss or even his boss. I’ve no idea if I’ll have a job when I get out. Im scared of my future. But I need to be strong, I need to be brave, I need to take responsibility for my actions. I need to take one day at a time. Sometimes I get so caught up in the past and planning for the future, I don’t realize the present is where I need to be. But now with using the gym at my job and trying to eat healthy and exercise. I’ve hit this wall of existing that feels like I’m in the present, but it feels more like a box. This box feels like nothing, it takes away my sense of awareness, it takes away my reaction to emotions, it grounds me in the wrong way. It’s like being buried alive, trapped and having to take slow deep breathes to conserve oxygen. It’s a new feeling and I’m scared of what it does to me, it’s like a drug. But realizing right now in the present, I needed to stay overnight in the hospital to be watched. It’s an easy shift for them (security). For me it’s a time to reflect, it’s a time to bring my thoughts together with my feelings, and to figure out what my next steps are. Do I go into a 72 hold, experience group therapy, older more put together adults babysit me. Do I make a safety plan that will better help me in this phase of my life. Do I act like nothing happened and go back to work like everything is all fine. I don’t know what to think. For now I’m going to distract myself with sleep and music, again to my friends and family, I’m sorry to worry y’all. Everything is going to get better, I just need to be positive.

Sincerely 

A.E.K